astro reflux

I'm pretty into my job these days. my supervisor just got back from vacation today so for some reason I decided to ask her about discussing some research I'd done while she was away. I figured since she's so busy, it might take a while for her to get time to talk to me. But tomorrow morning is when she said we can talk. Tomorrow motherfucking morning. She is really nice and won't judge me if I am disorganized, but I probably asked for time to talk before I was really ready to talk so I'm a bit nervous about it I guess. and then...

I checked my astro.com, which I like because they ask you shit about like where and when you were born so they can get your star-cast sharper. But tomorrow I'm supposed to be under a negative influence. check this shit out:

Keep it simple ***
Valid during several days: This influence signifies a time of great uncertainty and possible confusion. Your objectives are unclear, and you may feel incapable of coping with even the ordinary details of your everyday life. One of the best ways to cope with this influence is to make your everyday life as simple as possible, because you are so easily overwhelmed at this time.

This is not a time of robust confidence. You are questioning almost every aspect of your life, particularly your goals and ambitions, your ability to attain them and even whether you are worthy of attaining them.

At the same time you may feel that your universe is constructed in such a way that you cannot ever live up to your ideals. Disappointment, discouragement and pessimism are all likely effects of this influence. The danger is that this kind of negative thinking may actually undermine your effectiveness in your work or other important activities. Feeling insecure often creates circumstances in which you really are insecure. Do not take things so seriously! Your negative state of mind is probably not justified by the facts of your life. This is just one of those times when your spirits seem to sag.

You should try to hang on without making any permanent decisions or commitments on the basis of your current pessimistic views. In a short time, you will understand that right now your view of reality is changing in a way that ultimately should be very constructive, although it does not seem so now. About two years from now, you will be able to make constructive changes in your life based upon your new understanding. This is probably not the best time to make changes.

Now ain't that a kick in the ass?!

well, at least I know about this influence, so my conscious mind, or whatever the fuck, the 2 shots of espresso I'll be high on during the meeting, can counteract the influences of the stars. Now, I know that sounds like a lot to take on, but stars, come on! try to get me down, just try me, try to sparkle me into insecurity, I will fuck up your negative energies like I am not EVEN givin' a fuck.

**UPDATE**

today really has been weird and it's not totally over but I didn't screw up w/ my boss anyhow and even though I've been thinking weird thoughts all day, it is ok.

parallel bars

Tonight I finally tried the dark wood-laden paradise known as O'Greenberg's bar that sits less than half a block from my apartment. I've walked past it about 40 to 50 times. Despite it's abundance of tv screens, I loved it. It has darts and a pool table - neither of which are important to me, but both of which I feel are important for a bar to have, a bar like this, an old-fashioned neighborhood corner bar that is able to stay in business because it has 6 flat screen tv's all booming out NFL or the Olympics or Giants games maybe. But not booming sound. Nope, they had the volume muted on those obstructions of peaceful bar patronage tonight.

There is also a very compelling picture of the Golden Gate Bridge on the wall toward the pool table antechamber. I suggest going there and having your picture taken in front of it. It feels almost as good, if not as good, if not better, than having your picture taken in front of the real thing.

Also, the jukebox is amazing. Many oldies are to be enjoyed via its jukeboxitude. While there this evening, "Joanna" by Kool and the Gang played and I was moved. So many la la la la's...

I started thinking while I was there that lots of the landmarks or lifemarks of my time have been bars. I have spent large portions of my life behind bars. If I went to AA maybe this would be an appreciated metaphor - the prison of alcoholism. But I'm not sure I mean it that way. Maybe it's more like, we all make our own prisons, so why not make them full of good cheer! But really, "behind bars" implies or even indicates that I've tended bar when really I've only been a juice bartender and that only for 8 months. So, I guess it's fortunate that I don't go to AA or I could've tried to tell that joke there and no one would've laughed and they're probably all so cranky there because they could use a drink, they may have gotten violent, at least verbally violent, and that would've been totally unfortunate because then I would've had to retaliate and, you know, go OFF.

Here is a lil' list of bars that I have frequented, it doesn't matter where they are, they are in my heart, or at least in my liver.

Group Therapy, Art Bar, The Elbow Room, The Hop Leaf, the International Bar, Lakeside Lounge, The Blue and Gold, Holiday Cocktail Lounge, Cherry Bar, The Green Mill, El Sombrero Viejo, Frank's Hot Dogs, Annie's on Rosewood, Bohemian Hall and Beer Garden, Phone Booth, Glen Park Station, Cassanova, Catalyst Cocktails, The Makeout Room, The Levee, Teddy's, Mug's Ale House, Frank's (Bang the Party), The Whig, The Tempest, House of Shields

soup

Maybe it's the smoke hanging over the entire Bay Area, even burning trees and crackling into Big Sur, or not being able to fully rest in a room of my own, or residual stress leftover from my recent housing hunt (shit, it only ended yesterday), but I am in a cranky mood and when I went to the grocery store to get some lunch and decided on a whim in favor of soup, chili actually, and some old dowager-lookin lady wearing dark sunglasses started to ask me questions, like, "which is your favorite soup?" and, "is this soup or chili?" I responded, "I don't know, I haven't tried them all." and "chili" and she goes, "is it spicy? it looks spicy.." and I just move away to the register thinking, "do I look like I work here bitch? do you see the words 'soup expert' or 'soup authority' anywhere on my person???" and now I am typing about it.hmm. It wasn't very spicy.

radio radio

A guy in a mesh cap and a moustache. It sounds like one of the twenty-somethings populating my neighborhood or Williamsburg or any of the relclaimed-for-ironic-youth old man bars in cities across the nation. But this guy was the proper age for this look. No irony, no shit. He had a portable radio - no headphones - on the train with him today that he pulled from a beat up old brown soft leather briefcase. He had coffee and a juice squeeze to drink and from the sound of crinkling paper, something to eat as well. I wanted to read my book, Imperial San Francisco : Urban Power, Earthly Ruin, that is my train-riding morning highlight. But this guy's lack of headphones was hindering my ability to concentrate on the old players, movers and shakers, scions and swindlers that built this city (I'm not sure that this city was actually built on rock n' roll, Grace Slick). I said, "Sir, will you turn that down please?" He complied. Thanks guy. It was kinda nice to see an example of the actual prototype that hipsters have been ironically mimicking for years now. But really that guy belongs in a bar, behind a cloud of smoke. Or at the counter of doughnut shop late in the morning reading a newspaper. Or maybe I am being too judgemental and wherever we go, including this guy, we belong. I don't know. I do know that that guy needs some headphones.

unauthorized autobiography

I came up with a new title for my autobiography: What I did and What I Ought to Have Done by Lauren Spiro.

it's a fairly unfortunate title now that I look/think at it. But I so could write that book. What if I did write that book and I lost track of what it was that I did and what it was that I ought to have done, and what I did actually ended up being what I ought to have done. Well, if I could do that, then I really would have done something.

It would be nice

To find someone nice, who knows the correct definition of vestibule and would never stand in a vestibule with me trying to argue about the meaning of the word, the meaning of the place.

Live and learn and so it goes and tea for two but all the sayings in the world won't rival actually saying something to someone that's true or real or at least purports to be.

That's all I have to say. The cleaning crew is coming to get all the cluttered thoughts out of my head and I'll have to leave the doors unlocked for them or leave the keys in a convenient if not obvious place.

moving on...

Fuck the Ides of March

Forever more and evermore I suppose. Beware and wary until unaware, and unbeknowst forces were at work when you thought they were out to play. Tonight someone asked me what do I do? as an opener to conversation. She was from LA she said and so I excuse her. I suppose. Cab ride up and cab ride down. A dance remix of Don't Stop Believin' by Journey. Needing a different dance mix from the one I got. Timing probably. If I hadn't left, if I had arrived earlier. I think about the good news that I got. I don't trust it. I assume that it will fall through and I will be disappointed again. I am letting my fear of further disappointment interfere with my shit, I realize.

This is what it's down to. What's come up and what I can come up with. I let loose ends dangle as I am at my wit's end. It's beginning to and back again. That's the name of an album. Oh, it's an album by Wire, I find out after a quick search. I guess I always liked that album title.

Of so many minds, try not to mind it, don't mind me, I don't mind if I do.

It's possible that I will be up all night tonight. In fact, I predict that that will happen. If what is supposed to happen this month actually happens, I will try to take it as an opportunity to relax for a minute. But I will not go on travels and squander an opportunity to stay relaxed for more than a minute. Crossing my fingers at the possibility - I can't believe it yet.